Wednesday, June 18, 2014

TINDER HELL II, THE RECKONING!

            Yeah. That sounds totally dramatic, I dig it. In a world full of idiotic sequels, remakes, and supposed episodic dramas we’re supposed to give a shit about, I found this title apropos of the state we are in.
What do we do in our modern world when we want to meet someone else and yet are so remarkably terrible at doing so. I think of small town logic (I come from one, Smithfield, Rhode Island, Google that…):
Everybody knows everybody.
In small towns, the answers are always clear. You know little Candice has slept with all the boys of Sloan’s Tavern. You know Wild Richard who grew up in them hills is a raging alcoholic. Ole Jim spent most of his 20’s in the State Penn for armed robbery and Lily lost her husband in the tornados back in ’09.
But here in NYC, where you are shoulder to shoulder 20 hours a day, it’s remarkably difficult to meet folks, even using Internet Apps to assist. What happened Match.Com, why did you let us down? Why did you break my heart OKCupid?
Damn you, ChristianMingle! To be honest, I’ve thought about you more than once ChristianMingle. I wanted to get on some of these dates. I thought maybe right off the bat, as we sipped our jasmine tea together, I would explain, earnestly and doe-eyed: “Jesus is very important to me. God is important to me. But I find it is a very personal quest I am on to know and connect with Him (said in a Southern Drawl). I just wanted you to know that.” Smile. Nod solemnly. Smile.
Dry humping, oral sex, and a massive amount of cuddling quickly follow. I could live with that for a little while until the occasional ‘bad’ night when the ‘devil’ takes over. We can repent in the morning. “We are all, sinners sweetheart, we’ll get through this together.”
Even from my friends involved in these cyber-classified ads, they tell me about the deranged people they met on these sites. Again, as stated in “TINDER HELL I” a couple weeks back, if you have a life doing things, you will meet people who share the same interests as you (not just make up interests to sound cool). You’ll know they like the same things because you were there. Maybe we have to create some new apps for the more specific minded city person looking for love in all the wrong places.
I’ve come up (with the help of several drunk customers) a couple of alternative sites that should exist. These are copyrighted people, so don’t get any ideas. The Bartender Knows is a poor organization, working hard to turn these little words into a media empire. This might just be the way.

1.
Snatch.com

The proof is in the pudding here, kids. You know what you’re getting on this site. In the gay man world, you’ve got Grindr. That tracks how close other willing participants are for wanton, anonymous sex. That’s what Tinder was supposed to be for straight people. But nope. Even the infamous Tinder has become almost Protestant Vanilla. Either the people are flakes, or come with strange agendas, or some other awkward problem—pretty much anything but straight up fucking.
So here at Snatch.Com, we require that people must sleep with each other. Blindfolded. In anonymous bathrooms. No one is allowed to say anything about their lives, interests, family, or occupations. If so, they are immediately blocked from participating in Snatch.Com. Yep. Take your game-playing ass out the door. Here at Snatch.Com, we be fuckin’.

2.
Tender.Com

Conversely, sometimes you just need a hug.
Here at Tender.Com, we pride ourselves on finding matches for you that are full of tenderness, kind words, compliments, with a propensity to giving small, intimate gifts. Tender.Com specializes in people being really nice to each other, considerate of one’s past hardships in love, wanting to hold hands gently in the fading sunlight. The people you meet here at Tender.Com are looking for what you are looking for…kindness, sweetness, little kisses on the cheek, They are here to give you affirmations before that big job interview.
Tender.Com is for the faint of heart; the calm, steady, endearing love that only men and women slowly dying in an old home truly understand. Why wait for the geriatric days to have that kind of love?
Have it now, at Tender.Com.

3.
Bender.Com

This is one of my personal favorites. Over at Bender.Com, they help you find that special someone to go on a ragingly alcoholic, no holds barred 5-day bender.  That’s right. This full-service app brings two people together to be barstool buddies for several days of open the bar/close the bar antics. Conversational ability, alcohol tolerance, and amusing anecdotal knowledge are taken into account. That’s right folks, if you can think of nothing better to do in your life than to move from bar to bar in Bukowskian glory, dodging fights, and keeping each other entertained by oscillating jovial tales and sad, intense, beer staring reflections about the tragedies of each other’s pasts, Bender.Com is the perfect app for those afflicted by Dionysian proclivities.

Till next week kiddies!





I HAVE PROBLEMS ONLY GOD CAN SOLVE.




NOT THAT KIND OF SNATCH....





TENDER FOREVER!    


             

     

8 comments:

  1. LMFAO! Snatch.com! I've thought about trolling Christian Mingle too, but I couldn't bear it. It would be too weird. But their ads are totally manipulative, like the one featuring a woman saying "he's my last chance" and focusing on shame basically, like you could get saved through Christian Mingle. The ads are despicable, the product of PR people using psychology to prey on peoples' weaknesses.

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