There
was some kind of religiosity there in the theater once the lights went dark—the
flickering images on the screen now in control of your soul, captured in the holy
prison of light and shadow.
Now I wouldn’t say that I am a
cinephile. I would say my life was saved
by movies. Despite any chaos (and we all have chaos growing up in some form or
another) around me, some kind of Eden was a button away, locked in my room in
the darkness, eyes glued to the screen. It was my bullet proof vest against the
world, that though they may have injured me, the snipers rounds of chaos could
not touch my chest when the small television (yes, the 80’s people) glowed in
the shadowed room and the world of film unreeled before me.
Now don’t start thinking The
Bartender Knows is getting high-fluent on you, dear readers, but ask yourself,
now, riding the tail end of 2013, when was the last time a popular film brought
you to these majestic heights? Have you learned more about your world,
yourself, your lovers, from watching Thor: The Dark World? We should rename it
Bore: The Yawn World. Did you guys watch The Hunger Lames: Catching Tired? I
did with the folks over Thanksgiving weekend. When I left the theater, yet
again, bringing my hand to my yawning mouth, felt that sneaking suspicion that
someone had just robbed me of $10.50 and is saving that and the hundreds of
millions that will follow for his secretaries 3rd indoor Jacuzzi as
a Christmas present.
Has
everyone given up on trying to challenge the audience? Must there be a parade
of poorly made and unnecessary remakes (see: OldBoy), acned teenage glutton
fantasy superhero films (any Marvel/DC releases), and the infantile drivel of women
empowering themselves not through brains and real world tactics, but with bows
and arrows and fending off their precious virginity from dickless
vampire/werewolves (Hunger Games/Twilight)? Have you noticed how sexless these films have become? Notice
the lack of blood in these films. People die in record numbers (children even)
yet there deaths are as inconsequential as the nutritious value of the popcorn
snapping between the teeth of the millions of young people who ‘eat’ these
mindless pieces of garbage up (yes, insert soapbox under my feet now).
Now
there there. I’m not against some goddamn entertainment for the kids. I loved Indiana Jones (not 4—Fuck 4) when I was young. Was Indy
realistic? No, of course not. Was Indy a role model? For me, yes, I did
actually want to be him when I grew up. Who wouldn’t? Charming, curious, always
on the verge of losing a fight. That
sounded almost like my middle school years (maybe not the charming part).
It
was created by the Spielberg/Lucas team back when they actually could make
respectable movies and not horribly banal, self-aggrandizing 2 hour
advertisements for the video games, coming to an Xbox near you.
I
am hating, that’s true. I am fucking hating
on what has become a mockery of my precious ‘grand’ cinema, my only church, the
only religion I have ever ascribed to. And now half of the audience are grown
adults going to these movies. Nothing is more frightening to me than ADULTS discussing
personality traits, inner motives, and psychological issues of comic book
characters at my bar.
Grow
the fuck up, people.
And
do not, I repeat, do not give me the ‘movies as escapism’ argument. All great
works of film will always bring escape from your lives, pushing your mind to
see worlds the audience have never seen (see: Gomorrah), explore the harsh
realities of self-delusion (see: Blue Valentine), experience the brutality and
senselessness of violence (see: Only God Forgives), and lose their sense of
logic and reason, if just for a brief time (see: Primer, Upstream Color).
Cinema is about escapism. Cinema is
not a place to ‘turn your brain off’. That’s what Fox News is for.
I
do think there is a problem with our countries obsession and saturation of
these, frankly, movies for children. Did I read comic books growing up? I did.
When I was growing up.
Let
me put it in clearer terms. Does anyone find it slightly disturbing that the
highest grossing films in this country are Superhero films, Animated Features
(aptly and simply named ‘Planes’, ‘Cars’, and ‘Frozen’), and geriatric love
stories (these are the worst—GrandMom-Coms). Freud would have a field day
analyzing a culture of people who idolize super humans with powers they will
never possess. Hell, at least the “Watchman” had some fucking in it, albeit in
a flying spaceship.
I know half of you will hate this
blog (talk about drunks, man!) and the other half just might be bored. I am just
utterly frustrated with what I see as a ‘dumbing down’ of cultural necessities
like curiosity, learning, the confrontation with uncomfortable emotions, and a
simple, pure aesthetic beauty.
What could incite the soul more than
the raised arms of the boy being rescued by American soldiers in Japan in
“Empire of the Sun”? Or the pure cinematic wildness of “Reservoir Dogs”? How
about the unabashed sexuality and murderous dread of any involvement with
Sharon Stone’s character in “Basic Instinct”? Or the horror of Hannibal Lector?
Or the brutal, drunken honesty of “Barfly”?
Where are these movies today?
Okay. Enough (take soapbox out and
burn it).
I
need a drink.
I’m
buying.
Who’s
in?
YEP.
YEP.
YEP.
YEP.
YEP.
