Monday, November 21, 2011

Am I Good In Bed?

            I have a picture of Dostoyevsky by my writing desk. He looks at me, long beard, old rustic homeless man’s coat on, staring out with the weariness of old Russia in his eyes. He sits, judging me, his face looks past me, through me really, telling me I’ll never be a great writer.
            I pitch to him different blog post ideas and I can see him shaking his head, remembering his own written tombs of the human struggle for redemption and of damnation, of poverty and familial blood, of the high tones of fever madness and the low drudgery of the human drama.
            I, on the other hand, write about fucking and drinking. Even so, I try to ignore his judging stares.
            You see, Dostoyevsky never had the Internet. If he did, he might have lightened up a little bit. He would have loved the random searches, but he would have been a little peeved when the number of hits for the word ‘fuck’ comes up a whopping 1,060,000,000 and the number for his homeboy ‘Jesus’ was only a meager 719,000,000. There are a lot of other things we have that ole Dostoyevsky didn’t: Drive-thrus, mini-malls, Netflix, Fox News, hardcore pornography, IPads. Back in those old St. Petersburg days, you spent most of your time eating goulash and dodging cholera. There seemed, at least in his novels, some kind of grand love, or a search for that love, and the sexual natures of men and women consisted of either nail biting passions of lost loves or at least a healthy dowry for marrying off an portly Russian hag.
            These days, especially on the brink of 2012 in New York City, the sexual mores of the everyday citizen is a little different. Our sexual politics resemble the politics in Syria about now, frenzied and little a violent in nature. They want change, and they want now. And, I suppose, so do we. Like the kind of change like you’d rather be lying naked in bed with that special someone then reading this blog at your job dealing with shitty customers, clients or bosses. I get it. Trust me, I’d rather be naked with a particular person (Yes, I do have someone in mind) instead of writing this blog in my boxer shorts right now.
            And being that we’d all rather be fucking someone right now, it begs the question, how good are we at it? I like to average my experience, and I range a straight C+, leaning heavily on extra credit for effort.   
            Which brings us to a question many must have considered in their sexual lives:
            Am I Good In Bed?
            Now, when most people are asked this question (especially women), the answer is generally: YES.
            This can’t possibly be true.
            You have to suck to someone (not literally here folks).
            Now most men, yes, are just happy to be there, and could care less if we are good or not, or if the girl has any special talents at all.  But even us Neanderthals, as we get older, develop some kind of discerning sense about what good sex is and what bad sex is (except for my friend, Wyatt, who will fuck anything from here to Siberia).
            Think back to all of the sexual experiences you have had in your life.
            No doubt there is a range of embarrassing charades of passable love-making to toe curling, illegally pleasurable jaunts of orgasmic thrill.
            I decided recently to conduct a social experiment in several bars (the best place for alcohol induced lewd honesty) asking the common person to write down 3 specific reasons why someone would be deemed ‘good in bed’. And of course, as expected from sarcastic drunk New Yorkers, the answers were honest, revealing, and some down-right hilarious.
              Here’s are some of the specific reasons why people are ‘good in bed’ deduced from my barroom social experiment and they are as varied as the human beings themselves
            Adults only now, kids.

            “Can last more than ten minutes”. (What’s the average out there? I’ll save that for my next social experiment. There might be a rampant army of two pump chumps out there. Come on fellas. I know you want to bust but ladies first, you know what I’m saying!)
            “Lots of head”. (Tons of people expressed this, so there must be some head drought going on out there. Maybe people are too much in a rush to fuck, or fearful of certain cleaning habits.  Remember people, Head is caring, and sharing is good for everybody. So get out there and go down on someone.)

            “Submissive as a motherfucker” (direct quote). Followed by an *. The addendum states: “Not like dead fish submissive, but someone who actually can think of nothing better than letting someone dominate their every move.” I like this person, and I’m guessing it’s a dude, but you never know.

            “Good Penis Size” I loved this answer. I actually asked her right after she showed me her answer: “You like a John Holmes type?” She answered, very demurely. “No, just even if the guy sucks in bed I can make him hold still and get where I gotta go anyways.” Thank you Miss, and let this be a lesson to all of you who say size doesn’t matter.

            “Mellow-I don’t like too much pressure”. I’m with this guy. Women will never understand this factor, but the sex act can be a very stressful situation for some of us guys, especially if it’s been a while. And when stress comes around banging, there’s that horrible tendency of the wet noodle problem. A considerate women can turn the tables on this one real quick, but an amateur love-maker will only make that embarrassing issue turn into a lifetime of problems for the fellah. See point #2.

            “Lets me do anal the first time we hook up.” Well, this dude is forward, but it takes all kinds. Is it strange if I dare say he was British? Maybe sodomizing Americans makes up for the whole British loss of the Colonies perhaps? Historical grudge fuck in the ass. Who knows? Just a guess. But just so I’m not totally throwing this Brit under the bus, his third point was “Stays for breakfast”. Awww.          
            “Being affectionate.” Well, there we go, a little softness from our New York tough crowd. She did let me know how dangerous it was, however, when people are this way. It makes her think they actually care for her. God forbid, right, anyone shows a little love? I stand by this woman. Let’s all be a little more affectionate to each other. Our bodies aren’t factory lines for Christ’s Sake.

            There were hundreds of other points, which I will more than willing bring up in future blogs about this particular topic.
            There were obviously a lot of classic responses, anything from “Makes me cum in every position” to my personal favorite “The 3 S’s: Shape, Size, and Shift”, which I’ll let y’all use your imagination on that one.
            What are your specific three reasons why someone is good in bed? Send your list to  
            Until next time I argue with Dostoyevsky…see you at the bar.





  1. Maybe you should switch that picture out with Bulkowski; he wouldn't shake his head at you for writing about drinking and fucking.

  2. f all these guys start hitting up these hot, bitchy women with their terrible pick-up lines like 'You want to touch my Harry Potter? How to turn a girl on