Tuesday, April 17, 2012

SHIT GUYS DO (Starring Guest Blogger, The Bartender's Bartender!)

Greeting, fair readers. This week I'm honored to welcome our first guest bartender blogger, The Bartender's Bartender. For those active readers, you may know the Bartender's Bartender from previous blogs chiding me about my foolish and often juvenile antics. As we all know, our bartenders know way too much about us. They watch us celebrate, and they help us with our defeats (by pouring whiskey down our throats). In response to the flurry of voracious attacks I've received from last weeks blog, I have enlisted MY bartender (she's a woman, and a native New Yorker on top of that, AND works at the most dangerous dive bar in Williamsburg) to settle this beef between the sexes.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce D., the Bartender's Bartender. 
So I'm sitting here talking to the Bartender Who Thinks He Knows, pouring him shots, taking a few myself, and we get onto the topic of last week’s blog, Shit Girls Do.
To be fair, I usually just criticize whatever I think the post needed or what was lacking.
If I have something to say, I go right to the source.
The Bartender Who Thinks He Knows says to me, “Oh what? You've got something to say too?”
He's gotten more reactions from the last blog post then ever before and has lost ten subscribers. Like in the video game Paperboy. You do a bad job and you lose houses.
Actually, I think he was just lazy:
“You're an expert on the idiotic behavior of women and yet you can only come up with three obvious stereotypes? I expected better,” I tell him.
At which point the Bartender Who Thinks He Knows says:
“Oh yeah? Well I'd like to hear your opinion on men. Like shit guys do?”
“I couldn't possibly”, I demure, “But come to think of it yeah, I absolutely can think of three retarded things guys do”.
            And here they are:

Make Us Pay For Everything.

            Especially drinks. As a bartender myself, this is the number one transgression I witness more than any other by dudes in New York.
Let me paint a picture.
A couple comes into the bar. Granted, I don't know their relationship status, history, where they just came from, or who paid for dinner, but as a bartender I have become pretty good at reading people and body language. They order a round and the girl quickly, like lightning, goes for her wallet and produces a $20 bill, arm outstretched and tries to hand it to me.
Before I take it, I watch the guy. This move is the best. He goes for his money VERY SLOWLY because he's done this dance before and he knows she is going to pay if he lets her beat him to it.
This is bullshit guys.
There is a complex dynamic which I would need a whole other blog post to explain in depth, but basically most women living in New York have earned their way on their own merit, because this is a tough town, and weak women, weak people, go home in less than a year.
Those who have made it become lifers.
The women want to prove their independence with that $20 bill, and the men, who are not as dumb as they appear, take full advantage of this aspect.
Hey guys.
Chivalry goes a long way. And she notices every single time you do this. And she makes a mental note. That you're cheap. That you're taking advantage.
Don't think this lame move goes unnoticed (because we notice everything) and then we tell our friends.

Get Depressed.

Guys in New York are emotional creatures who are pretending to be devoid of emotion. This is hard.
Most of them are not Stella Adler trained thespians so it is difficult for most men to pull off. Instead they deploy a rotation of four or five mini-relationships (in whatever form) in order to simultaneously garner attention at all times and mask their emotional emptiness (or neediness) rather than focus on one thing at a time and face these...feelings (excuse the profanity).
It's been discovered that multi-tasking has been found to lower IQ in the moment and creates a feeling of unfullfillment, since we never feel like we are actually accomplishing anything.  
Also, guys, Alcohol is a depressant. I'm a bartender. I see the way you drink. So it might not be just us getting you down.
Just sayin’.
Maybe get off the roller coaster for a few days and see how it feels.

Grow Beards.

Ok, I am not sure if I want to call this one out, because I personally think a scruffy man looks sexy, like he's been up all night thinking about his art.
But maybe that's the problem.
I think combined with the other factors I just mentioned, the beard ultimately symbolizes the full on return to Cavemanism.
You want us to pay for things and take care of you, and instead of talking about your
emotions you go from tent to tent grunting and pulling hair.

             So in conclusion boys, go clean shaven for a month, buy your own goddamn drinks (and ours) and let us in a little when you're feeling down.
            And maybe when you start paying for things proper, we can go shopping the way we'd really like to, with all of our own money.






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