Wednesday, January 8, 2014


             As most of you know, I answer here in this blog the grand mysteries of all of life. I’ve addressed love, sex, death, existential angst (yes, last week’s haymaker) and dating in the modern world. I’ve talked about Paris, I’ve argued against gender roles, and explicitly detailed way too many personal events of my life and personality. But something I learned many years ago: Honesty Is Invincibility. As long as you are as open and honest as possible with everything in your life, no one can fuck with you. They may call you an asshole, or too direct, but they will never get any dirt on you because you freely toss that dirt out into the public street for all to see.
            But out in the bars last night, a couple questions have been challenged by the drinking populace that must be addressed, both incredibly important and life changing topics. This week, dear readers, is a double duty.
            Women with lipstick and men with cats. That’s right. Allow me paint the picture for y’all.
            Question one. When woman wear lipstick, do they want to have sex that evening? Is the usage of lipstick a signal for immediate sex, or is it a symbol of ‘find me attractive, but do not touch.’ Let me be plain. I’m a heterosexual man. I love women. Every man in my position knows that lipstick tastes like shit. A strange, waxy, thick nasty on the lips of a beautiful woman. It’s sort of like making out with shrink-wrapped food. So when I see a woman with dramatic red lipstick on, I’m turned off. It tells me, psychologically, that she is uninterested in any kind of kissing, heavy petting, etcetera.
            Now, of course, I’m probably not right. I’m just curious. I began to ask many women this same question. The responses were interesting, all ranging from, “Matthew, you are totally right” to “Are you a fucking retard? You just wipe it off, stupid.” Men were also split on this issue. As one of my favorite friends explain: “I don’t even think it matters, dude.” And he’s probably right.
            But I’m going to stick with my theory here. If a woman uses lipstick, it’s sort of like the guy who drives a Ferrari. It doesn’t mean the guy is essentially a bad person, it’s just a prop. A prop that helps ‘propagate’ sexual behavior. These are tools human beings use to receive attention. Some people got the short skirt, some people got the slim cut Ben Sherman suits. Everybody has got something (hopefully). But I am going to take a stand on this issue and say that when a woman puts on lipstick (dramatic especially) or uses any make up she wants the ‘attention’ but not the ‘delivery’ of that attention, to speak vaguely.
            Onto the second question. Men With Cats.
            Here’s a scene from the bar last night. Lady explains to me that if she finds out a man has a cat she will not fuck him. Straight up. Hands down. I said: “I have a cat named Lysander and she’s lovely.”
            Dead look, right into my eyes. “I will never have sex with you.”
            But I have noticed that there is some kind of odd stigma against fellas with cats. What is this ladies? Why would you hate on a guy who prefers the feline style of things? For some reason, a couple of woman types think men who like cats are somehow ‘weak’. Funny. When was the last time your domesticated dog killed something? Not happening. My cat kills things on a daily basis with no remorse, with a strange joy they participate in murder. And they clean up their own shit. How many dogs do that?
            I love dogs. I love cats. I love all animals. I mostly love all things, so I can’t say that I am one thing or another. But I have noticed a slight judgment against fellas that like cats and I had no choice but to address it.     
            Till next time.
            Oh, follow me on Twitter (@ADrinkPleaseBK). I occasionally say things that are slightly funny. Also, if anyone wants to contribute to The Bartender Knows, please pitch me your idea and we’ll call it even.






  1. I don't know if you remember in my story "Woodster" about the man with 70 cats--he even got engaged. In my point of view, men without cats are the ones to be careful of.
    Since you love animals, you should try my new novel FUR PEOPLE--lots of cats and dogs and trouble. There are also men who love cats in there.

  2. Allegedly Mark Twain said he didn't like men who didn't like cats, roughly speaking.


  4. I wish I could create a comedy character. Its the old if I could be anything bit. Comics have a special prestige in my mind, almost holy. Like Robin Williams and Bill Murray. And many others. This study, to my surprise, says comics are often introverted, and score high in psychosis.