Friday, July 4, 2014


            Two white people walk into a already sound like a joke, doesn’t it? No offense, white folks. You already know this ones coming down the pipeline.
            Now, for the record, some people could consider me a white dude. I personally don’t. When I think of white people the first thing that comes to mind are Finnish people. You know the types. Tall. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Never had an acne problem in their life. Fearfully Aryan. Have you seen Finnish people dance? They're ‘white’ as fuck. I don’t see myself like that.
            First off, I’m Italian, which is Mediterranean—and we all know what they say about Italians (that shit is real). The only thing Italians love more than food and sex is vengeance. The other half is some amalgamation of French and Native American. The French, I can see, are white. But at least they have immaculate taste. I have immaculate taste. When I think of white people, I only see obesity, shitty clothing choices, questionable knowledge of history, and yes, bad dancers. Okay, I admit it, the French are some funny dancers (but I still love you, French people. Liberte! Y’all know I’m a Francophile).
            And Native Americans are most certainly not white by any stretch of the imagination. White people certainly took care of those folks.
            The other day some lovely people were visiting my bar from the back woods of Alabama, and were definitely white people. I’m talking cargo shorts white people. They sit down, pleasantly order a drink, and we start shooting the shit. I can tell they are awkward to be here in NYC, and I, as a lovely bartender, try to entertain them to assuage their outsiderness.
            The lady is a brunette, rocking mom jeans (like actual Mom jeans), crimped hair, and slowly plays with the stirrer stick in her drink. The dude looks like a Jim Gaffigan knock off, white hair, portly, but cool. Then he drops it.
            “New York. Interesting place,” he says.
            Right then, I knew something was off. The couple was nice, but I felt something was amiss. “Yes,” I say, “New York is pretty weird.”
            He smiles. She smiles. I smile.
            “But you got to admit. There’s not a lot of white people here.” Boom. Penny drop.
            I freeze. I give him a look. On his face—nothing. Not even worried. Admittedly, maybe I was overreacting. I am a socially concerned New Yorker.
            “White people?” I ask, just fucking going with it.
            “You know what I mean, right?” he says, again, with no idea how weird this conversation is.
            “Not really…but yes, ummm…New York is very…” I literally don’t even know what to say. I’m speechless, and those that really know me know that that NEVER happens.
            Suddenly, his wife jumps in, (thick Southern accent here): “Steve, I told you not to talk like that no more. Remember what happened at Uncle Charlie’s?”
            Immeadiatly, Steve shuts the fuck up. He looks super guilty. You can tell that he’s the type of guy who falls into the ‘accidental racist’ category.
            (Footnote: ‘Accidental Racism is a phenomenon amongst certain white folk that simply do not know any better. The common word for this is ‘Ignorant’.)
            Weirdly, I began to feel bad for ole Steve. He didn’t even know he was stepping into a liberal landmine. But the drinks went down, I told them where it was cool to drink and have some fun. It was all swept under the rug. But I was left with the question, ‘what the hell happened at Uncle Charlie’s house???’
            The lady was cool, almost embarrassed by her husband (as most wives are), and it was so cute the way she kept trying to get him not to be racist. In the end, I’m sure Steve was probably all right. But yes. White people shit. Here’s a couple other examples of what we would call “white people shit”.
            (Footnote 2: I know there’s a website devoted to this, but here at The Bartender Knows we gonna come with the realness).

            Kill everybody.

            Seriously, there has been no race in the history of all time that has systematically killed everybody. Remember when I shared about my Native American heritage? Yep. All killed. By white people. Remember that whole slave shit? White people. Now I’m not trying to start a racial war over here on the blog, but we do have to come correct when we say that white people seem to like murdering motherfuckers. Maybe I’ve been watching too many Nazi documentaries. Let’s just say if it really came down to it, I’m a turncoat. In the revolutionary war I would totally side with the British, flip my coat inside out (hence the term, ‘turncoat’), and roll with the French. Fuck you, you colonizing bastards.

Cupcake Shops.
Right? You can’t argue with me about this. If you walk into a fucking cupcake shop, I can assure you, you are a white person. That’s cool, all right? Cupcakes are delicious. But like my earlier blog “Are you A Bougie Fuck?” and the whole ‘Milk’ bar fiasco, a whole shop dedicated to cupcakes just reeks of the worst kind of pretentious, too much money, too much time on your hands type of universe a working class guy just cannot deal with. It actually pains me when I walk by cupcake shops. Ouch. You suck.


If you are a baller or a soccer pro you are allowed to hi-five. But have you noticed only white people hi-five when something cool happens. Pay attention at bars. ONLY WHITE PEOPLE ARE HI-FIVE’ing. Weird. I just realized it myself. And it’s a little embarrassing. Just admit it.     

            Build Condos.

            Bartender Knows readers, can you please help me with this question? Why is it that rich people fuck everything up? I mean, if you ever gave me money the only thing I would do with it is put on plays, fund painters, make films, basically make art happen constantly with taste and glory. These people roll in and immediately demand that everything look EXACTLY the same everywhere. For instance, if every Starbucks in the world made their stores look totally unique and interesting, separate from every other one, I would back the corporation. But they don’t. The corporate world insists everything be the same, even the unique humans that work for them. Eck. Gross. I don’t even want to talk about this anymore. It’s already making me angry.

            Stay tuned for White People Shit 2. Have a happy American Day!  


  1. Let the Eagle Soar? By John Ashcroft?!
    That's a damn fine guess.

  2. Ha!!! This is GREAT! I think "white" is more of a behavior/value thing than an actual color thing. You can be white, but not reeeally be white. For example, you can be white and not think it's cool to build condos and uglify a neighborhood. Or you can be black and think it is.

  3. Nice article you racist fuck... ha ha i enjoyed it immensely, but u forgot one very important section:
    white people music tastes.

    Come on splurge...