The Bartender Knows: KILLING FACEBOOK

Well, what can be said about Facebook that hasn’t already been said?

Chances are, if you are sitting at my hypothetical bar (I can’t bartend right now, I’m in New Orleans. Yes. My favorite town. Blog to come about The Big Sleazy next…) you are on your phone:

Scrolling. Swiping. Texting. Tindering. You know what I mean.

Nine times out of ten, when people sit next to each other at a bar, only one dares to defy trend and actually not have some kind of cyber experience over drinks. They are the brave ones. Still trying to keep it interesting. I’ve discussed the sad and terrible fate that the modern bar room has become. Even Charles Bukowski lamented this in his poems:

"The bars are finished. TV took care of that. We used to be performers. Now everybody sits and stares at the tube."

So not only do we have huge HD TV’s glowing above every bar seat with some hallowed unnatural hue, there’s the mini-screens of our iPhones and iPad’s that keep our attention. There’s practically 8 different systems vying for our focus. Where in the world is the room for dialogue? What happened to the savvy talk? No wonder people look at you strange when you start a conversation with them at a bar.

Conversation? What the hell is that? The ‘performers’ that Bukowski talked about now are dead. Killed by the ‘screens’.

Look folks, I won’t front, I’ve found myself addicted to Facebook too. It’s great. I’m connected to people all over the world. I’ve developed relationships with them, dated some, made travel plans with others, all with a couple of clicks and some well placed pics. No doubt Facebook has changed the way we live our lives.

We stay connected. We watch babies being born. Even those, sadly, that has passed on, their Facebook page remains in existence, in some strange digital memorial, floating in cyberspace.

But there are some simply unavoidable sights everyone one of us has been subjected to in the Facebook universe. These particular ‘habits’ are not only completely annoying, they fall into far worse categories: the pathetic, the cringe-worthy and the downright frightening.

These categories are literally killing Facebook, making the random collection of musings and photographs resemble a drunken, gluttonous, ear-splitting rabble roaming blind down a dark street.

Let’s take a walk through these categories, shall we? Maybe we can learn to avoid these pitfalls and make the Facebook Universe a better place to oddly observe from afar like a peeper with a pair of binoculers.

The Pathetic

Posting Pictures Of Your Younger Self:

Hey, I’ve done it. I admit it. I’ve put exact one picture of myself from back in the old days on the news feed. And it made me sad. It made me sad because of how younger, slimmer, and downright cooler I looked back in the days. Call me selfish, but I’m a fan of youth. Of course, anyone else who is a fan of youth is locked into a bumper car headed for tragedy.

We all get older. It’s true. But have some goddamn dignity and do it alone. That’s what your mother did. That’s what your grandfather did. Own your age. And your hairline. And your waistline.

The only way it is okay to have pictures of your younger self up online is if someone else posted them. That’s cool. But at least untag yourself.

Please.

Posting Shitloads Of Pictures Of Yourself In General:

Guys, you know what it means about yourself, right? I don’t have to tell you, do I? Okay. Here goes. If you have over 10 pictures of yourself (I mean, just you. Selfies, people) than you are probably a horrible narcissist. Like a self-admiring, self-loving egotist. Again, it’s okay if it’s you and your family. It’s okay if it’s you and your dog (though that’s sad too, people).

But if you click on your profile on Facebook and see over 10 ‘selfie’s’, you probably are a bragging, conceited self-aggrandizer. Which is fine. Just know that about yourself. As Plato said: “The unexamined life is not worth living”. Listen to the guy. Know this.

Adding People Who Are Not Your Friends:

Okay. Guilty. I add people constantly. But this is for one reason and one reason only. This blog your reading. 95% of the readership for The Bartender Knows comes from Facebook. I’ve traced it. So I add people all over the world, accept ‘friendships’ from any and all countries. Which means I get a lot of ‘working girls’ personally messaging me. At first, I thought I was really popular with the ladies. Until of course they kept getting me to click on their link for Cam Love. Whoops.

Hell, The Bartender Knows will take anybody.

But if you find yourself adding friends that you don’t even know you probably are 1 of 3 people: you are a pervert, a teenage kid with no friends, or an annoying blogger desperately trying to get more people to read their shit.

Moving on.

The Cringe-Worthy

Links to Overtly Political Websites:

Okay. You’re a LIBERAL. We get it. Congratulations. Like your friends couldn’t figure that out if they ever met you, like, once. But you are aware that posting things on Facebook neither changes the world, spreads information, or changes anyone’s mind politically. Not one time in history has someone changed a political side because of a witty meme or a link to Mother Jones.

What exactly are these posts supposed to do for us? It’s like spitting off a roof and watching who it hits down on the sidewalk. If you want to change the political system, either become a lawyer, a pundit, or a community organizer. If not, please, for the rest of us who already know your political party:

Shut the fuck up.

Posting Pics Of Your Children:

Do I have to be the first to let you guys know out there I don’t care about your children?

I’m not saying I don’t care about your children. I want all children in the world to be healthy, happy, educated, and live wonderful, beautiful lives. But Facebook is not a family album. It’s a social media site. Social. I repeat. SOCIAL. Kids are great at parks and parties (with other families) but I (and I’m sure I’m not alone here) simply don’t want to look at your children. I’m an adult. There’s no reason I should be looking at anyone’s children that aren’t mine? Am I the only one who thinks this shit is creepy?

Okay. And the kids in bathroom pics? Seriously, parents, DO NOT POST PICTURES OF YOUR KIDS ON THE TOILET. Not only does it make me want to vomit, but it says some very uncomfortable things about you as a parent. I’ll leave that to you.

Just saying.

Liking Third Party Ads And Making Me Look At It:

You know what guys? I hate Home Depot. I hate Department Stores. I hate Make up Chains. I hate Corporate Chains of all kind. I don’t want to see what some third party ad you’ve agreed upon on my news feed.

You may be asking the question: “Well, bartender guy, what don’t you hate about Facebook? What do you want to see?”

Allow me to respond.

I want to know witty things you’ve written. I want to know to see that you are having a good time in life. I want to know that you are traveling, and I want to know that you are taking advantage of this all-too-short life we have on this planet. I want to look at your very sexy photos. I want to hear about how you’ve graduated from college.

See, I’m not a total asshole. Unless you have photos of your kids taking a piss on your feed:

Then I call child services.

The Downright Frightening

The Sad, Vague Post:

You know what I mean. The lone, picture-less post simply saying things like:

“You never know who will betray you next.”

“Sometimes I am just alone.”

“It hurts. Especially today.”

“Will it ever go away…”

This is when I start wanting to make late night phone calls. Facebook is for ranting, we know that. Facebook is for saying stupid shit, sure.

But these comments start giving me some chills down my spin.

If you in that mood, and I’ve been there, trust me, you don’t need a social media feed, you need a help line.

Life sucks. We get that. But those chills I was talking about earlier, no one needs that. So next time you feel that cold hand on your neck, close the laptop, and pick up the phone. And if it get real bad…

PM me motherfucker. Hell, I’ll be there. Whether we ‘friends’ or not.

Your Friends Expose How Paranoid They Really Are:

Yep. Got them friends that keep posting all the Alex Jones, Illuminati Videos, and Apocalypse Blog links? Okay, maybe it’s just my weird friends. But sometimes, I must admit:

You Are What You Post.

I get it. I’m sure there are weird secret societies that exist where they all sit around and blow each other in some Eyes Wide Shut robes and when those old cocks are done, sit down together and decide how do divvy up the world. In fact I’m sure there’s super educated, rich, crazy megalomaniac motherfuckers deciding the Fates.

I suppose if given the choice I would probably side with the Illuminati over average, highly opinionated, under-educated folks making rules out of feelings and not facts. Call me a supporter of the Masons. I’ll take it.

But man, some people just show how crazy they are from what they post. Paranoid stuff. And if I get too stoned, I get lost on their feeds watching You Tube videos all the way from the prophecies of St. John to Ancient Aliens. It’s 5am in the morning and I’m deciphering glyphs to find out the original location of Atlantis. It’s your fault. It is.

Okay. It’s probably just the weed. I admit it. But please, get a life.

The Haters:

Not normal haters. Allow me to show the difference between ‘haters’ and the real ‘haters’.

Haters are everywhere. Someone doesn’t like this. Someone doesn’t like that. Hell, I’m a ‘hater’. A ‘hater’ is just a person who is critical of things. Nothing is wrong with ‘hating’. Sure, some people say ‘hating’ is bad. I think being critical is a natural part of life. As long as you got one or two solutions as well. Yes, we all should try for the rainbows and peaches life, but in the end, we are all ‘haters’. Believe that.

What scares me in life is ‘real haters’. Yes, it is that moment when some one posts something that is actually prejudice, racist, female hating, male hating, or simply dark as fuck about other people.

People are judgmental. It is the way it is. We have to judge. We judge everything from the moves we make in business to who we want to date.

It’s the accidental ‘real haters’ that scare me the most.

NOTHING makes me feel better than erasing friends on Facebook. Nothing. Call me an asshole, but it’s true. And chances are, after I post this blog, I’m coming for anyone who falls under these categories.

Let’s stop Killing Facebook. Together, we can make the Facebook world a better place (and way less lame).