The Bartender Knows: "The Lady Will Have The Red From Portugal..."

This goes out to all the ladies.

Here, come a little closer. Break out the Prosecco and the truffles, put on some Terence Trent D’Arby records, and gather around the campfire with me and discuss a problem that no doubt has been on your minds for some time.

The ultimate question:

What The Fuck Is Wrong With Men?

Seriously, what is going on with Men? This is an immortal question and I know you are curious. You ask your gay friends about guys, hoping that they might have the answer.

They do not. They are gay men.

Gay men are very different from straight men. They are looking for someone totally different to sit on their face. Gay men know about gay men. Straight men crave women.

So, you sit at the bar and ask your girlfriends, hoping they might be able to shed some light on this perplexing question. However, they are equally confused, left vainly to conjecture about what’s going on in the minds of men.

They want to know why men are typically clueless.

They want to know why men are selfish.

They want to know what we are thinking.

Sorry, fellas, but this is the part in the blog where I expose our secrets. It is high time the world knows the truth.

Obviously, this is merely Part One of a very long conversation.

It is a proven fact the women are by far more complicated--physiologically, emotionally, and psychologically--than men could ever dream to be. If women are like the wild and beautiful flower that grows strong, brilliant with all variations of color and petals of beauty, then men are sacks of dry dirt. It is embarrassing how un-complex we actually are. It is because women are so generally complicated that we seem complicated. In reality, our simplicity creates the confusion.

Taking off the 3D glasses helps, ladies. Our shit is definitely in 2D.

Even I, who have toted the fact that I was raised by all women, sadly, and with great revelation came to terms with my doltish, stubborn, simple, elementary nature as a man.

Men only give a shit about 5 things, and the accumulation of these five things keep us happy building roads and civilizations chalk full of tall buildings, being trash collectors and desk clerks, satisfied with our own little existence.

Let the horns blows for here is the five-point track of what men really give two shits about:

FOOD, YUM.

Now, I didn’t realize this until I got older, but essentially, we can talk all manner of philosophy and discuss the metaphysical nature of the universe, the corruption of politics and the endless parades of useless, bloody wars that span the entire history of time, but really, in the end, I would be just as satisfied, if not more so, with a well-cut steak. No mystery here, ladies. When you’re mother said the way to a man’s heart was not through his pants, but through his stomach, she was not lying. Yes, men like to play at being Don Juan. Yes, we like to play at being the successful, virile type. Yes, we all wish we could be Don Draper. But in the end, we’ll settle with the A1 sauce and some decent BBQ. That’s why male vegans are not to be trusted. Essentially, they are against the natural pull of our DNA to forgo rhyme and reason for some of that Fried Chicken and Greens.

We really do care about the woman at work you hate that you think is trying to take your job, we do.

“What are you thinking about?” You ask, noticing us drifting off. Don’t get mad—we just hungry. Let’s settle the food issue first. Then I promise, you’ll have our full attention.

Until…

THE FRANKS AND BEANS PROBLEM.

Every morning we are reminded that our bodies want something. Our bodies ask us a question, and it’s in the form of a boner. Relentless, like clockwork, something beyond our control completely extends from our bodies demanding with rock hard dominance that something must happen. And, no doubt somehow fiendishly connected, are our balls. Each hour, 3.1 million sperm are created, pushing against our flesh for release. No wonder we can’t think straight half the time. So now, after the food problem is solved, we occasionally (a.k.a. three times a day) wish we could let those little friends fly to fulfill our biological imperative.

Which generally has something to do with…

FREAKY SEX. YEP.

The dinner is amazing. He’s not like the usual men you date. He paid when you went to the bathroom. You sit back down:

“Oh, you didn’t have to do that...”, you say, smiling.

He, without effort, folds his wallet back into his pocket, humbly saying back:

“It was my pleasure,” he purrs with a little spark in his eyes.

After that, dating a nervous, tight-lipped hipster who pulls out wet, crumbled dollars from his pocket to pay for dinner becomes an embarrassing, self-debasing act. The other one, the one with a job, was actually nice, steady, and fun to boot. He can charm the waiter. He smells great. The half-grown beard on the ‘boy’ you like’s face becomes laughable.

A woman after dating a man with certain class will never go less on the next date. Not a smart one, anyways. Men are just the same, but about sexual perversion instead of social class. Every man is a freak just waiting to happen. A man, once exposed to certain proclivities of perversion, can never go back.

Ladies, you know what you’ve done to your ex’s. He asked you to do things, and, most of them felt good. Now he can never go back. He was shown some form of experimental activities, and the experiment is finally over.

Now it’s just the facts, ma’am.

But don’t forget…

THE NO BABY PROBLEM.

This is a big one.

It’s the No Baby Thing. I’ve analyzed this for years. Now we all know why men have to pretend they are in charge of everything. This definitely goes back to the essential jealously of never having babies. It’s true. Imagine the cavemen, after fornicating (which seemed like a natural thing to do), nine months later some creature literally crawls out of his mate. The male cavemen watched in awe (as they do even in modern times) at the miracle of life. Right then and there, the males knew they were insignificant, not putting two and two together that they had anything to do at all with this pregnancy. Thus, they left the cave and picked up a stick to start hitting things with it.

We can’t have babies, so we build roads and shit. We go on to build cities and walls and nuclear weapons, all because of that first sight of the baby popping out of our mates.

Our bodies barely change as we get older, unlike the constant metamorphosis of the female form. We pretty much either get stronger or weaker, get fat or slim down. But the chemical makeup stays the same. We are the blunt instruments. And we know it. That’s why we created Pop Tarts and Sham-Wow rags. What else is there to make if you cannot create life?

And that’s why we have this problem…

LEGACY. AH, IMMORTALITY!

Pass it on.

Why do you think we were all hung up on that whole surname business for the last thousands of years? Since we know that we are only ruled by freaky sex, ego, and food, we still hope to somehow raise ourselves out of the primordial mud by doing ‘something’ in the world. This has manifested in several ways, from inventing things like Electricity to Facebook. This is very important to us. Our ego, our ever fragile, silly little ego is all we have to prevent against the truth that men, pointless unless something heavy needs to be lifted, are a blip on the Earth, and only money, sex, and power can make us stand out. We strive for some kind of immortality, and like Gandhi or Hitler, to give it our all and leave some kind of mark on this planet.

So there you have it ladies, mystery solved. And I know this list doesn’t paint the male sex in the most flattering manner and lesbianism is now being considered, however I ask one favor ladies. Just try to understand our unbearable simplicity. It will make everything far more understanding between the sexes. After all, you wouldn't hate on a retarded kid, would you?

Till next time…