The Bartender Knows: TINDER HELL!

I’m deep in it folks.

Jean Paul Sartre once wrote: “Hell is other people.”

I suppose.

(He was just an old crank. But if you read his ‘love’ letters to his ‘significant’ other, Simone De Beauvoir, he should have wrote: “Hell are these cheesy love letters we send each other.” I think they called each other ‘squirrel’. Deep, right?)

As a bartender, (and previously a server, a busboy, a food runner, a host, a dishwasher, a production assistant, a mover, a copy editor, a grip, hell, even a two day stint as a door to door Cutco Knife salesman), I have been serving people for all of my life. Because of that decision, I have found myself in the most unique position to analyze folks.

When is the most revealing time of the human character?

When they want something.

What happens when people want something they just can’t seem to find?

They invent something that helps them get it.

They invent things like Tinder—the newest ‘trend’ in the dating world. From roving, horny business types to the elderly looking to share their final moments with someone special, this application has become THE streamline way to meet people in the most shallow of ways.

Now if your one of the five people living under a rock who haven’t heard of Tinder, let me break it all down for you. You download an app, flip through photos (barely any info about the person), and like them or not like them by swiping either right or left.

If someone else also ‘liked’ your picture, then you are allow to ‘text’ each other on the Tinder interface. You choose the range of where you want to meet people down to a one-mile radius. Sort of a straight person’s Blender, you can imagine how many illicit situations one can get involved indiscriminately with other strangers.

As an amateur anthropologist, I’ve done some research into this phenomenon in the name of science. Like exploring a strange and dangerous country, I proceeded with caution and grace, and have returned from Tinder land with my scientific findings.

Despite whatever people think, there are pretty much only three categories a person fits into that uses that Tinder on the regular (or a combination of all three).

The categories are the Loser, the Lonely, and the Nasty.

Yes, I know, regrettable titles, but accurate all the same. Before you make a judgment, lets explore this phenomenon together, shall we?

The LOSER

When the last time you met someone who had their shit together who was actually not single by choice? Let me tell you.

Never.

I’m saying their shit is TOGETHER. Like money problems sorted, neurosis analyzed, past mistakes forgiven and future plans decided. These ‘mover and shaker’ types are always in high demand, and because they don’t lock themselves in the house every night to watch episodic television. Nope. The ‘shit together’ person is out and about at events, gatherings, dinner parties, doing SHIT. It is virtually impossible not to meet people when you are out in the world owning it.

Being on the computer 12 hours a day and bitching about not meeting people in your sweatpants is unacceptable. You are on Facebook all the time. You say your ‘too tired’ to go out. Ugh. I can’t stand those people. If you are under 50 and you are ‘too tired’ to go out and have a little fun, you are totally a loser. This is why people are on Tinder. Because they are not owning in their life, they are directionless and disorganized and probably suffering from some kind of social phobia. Which is weird after the age of 25. People are just people. They’re not going to bite (unless you are like the werewolf lady from a couple of blogs ago!). Go up and try engaging someone. They are probably just as weird, confused, tired, and neurotic as you are.

One of Tinder girls actually brought a friend out with her to meet me. Seriously. And this chick was 32! And her friend had a shitty personality. Who does this? I left the two of them alone and walked right to the next bar and had drink alone. That night I made a new bartender friend. Boom. Real life.

People who are killing it in their life have just that: A Life.

It’s time to go out and get one.

The LONELY

Hey, this world is a dark and terrible place. Just read the front page of the New York Times. It’s tough out there for us humans. Of course we all get the nagging feeling of the emptiness in our chest, and we do need each other at times for strength and support.

That’s normal stuff.

What’s not normal is looking through a catalogues of faces, choosing them merely by looks, going through hundreds and hundreds of pictures to hope, with sweaty crossed fingers, someone will ‘like’ you back, and then ‘text’ them for a meet up. I don’t know, that sounds pretty lonely to me.

Tinder is great for those who desperately need affirmation of their existence, pushing notifications on their phone to vibrate in their pocket when some stranger notices them. Strange world, indeed.

Look. If you’re that lonely, you can email me and I’ll give you a big hug, folks. You know how to reach me. I’m here just for you.

The NASTY

This one is easy. I’m saying nasty because certain people on Tinder are down to fuck anything thing wants them back, and one person for sex is just as good as another. Any port in a storm will do, right?

There’s nothing wrong with falling into this category, right? You like indiscriminate sex with strangers. You’re that British chick from ‘Girls’. You’re Alfie from ‘Alfie’.

So next time your on a Tinder date, remember, that person right in front of you would probably fuck the next person that ‘buzzes’ them on their phone tomorrow, and probably did the night before.

If you’re cool with that knowledge (and, oh, isn’t too much information just plain terrible), Tinder away, friends. After all, you’re probably just as nasty as that person anyway.

Just make sure you wash your hands after.

So, Tinder people. Which one (or all 3) are you?